Assignment 1 - Formal Email
Subject: Self-introduction email
Dear Professor Blackstone,
I am writing to introduce myself to you as a Year 1 student from your effective communication class. My name is AshMarie Tan, I am a fresh graduate from Temasek Polytechnic, School of Engineering. I graduated with a diploma in Clean Energy, as well as a Personal trainer certification from my co-curriculum activities in polytechnic.
My interest in engineering stemmed from my childhood days when I would prefer to play with building and construction blocks instead of the alternatively feminine toys. I found myself easily fascinated with understanding how things around me work. Growing up, I was under the influence of my grandmother to recycle and practice habits that impact the environment positively. This led to my interest in figuring out how to combine engineering and sustainability as one. I hope to be able to learn how to enhance the way of life on Earth, while living sustainably.
One of my notable strengths in communication is having the patience to listen to the other party. I feel that while talking is crucial in communicating with one another, listening plays a bigger role in good communication. As for my weakness, I am aware that I tend to speak too quickly when articulating my thoughts, resulting in a slurred string of words. I have been able to improve myself through breathing exercises to remind myself to take a deep breath before continuing.
One of the goals I have for this module is being able to speak confidently and calmly when presenting. The other goal is to be able to hold engaging conversations with people.
Like my name, I am unique because I am always hopeful. In my case, my family has a history of hereditary heart and lung complexities. I am confident and hopeful that I will break this pattern by actively exercising and educating myself to ensure that I will be healthier for my future.
I hope that this brief introduction gives you an insight of my background, and I look forward to your lessons in the following weeks.
Warmest regards,
AshMarie Tan
Revised <28 September 2020>
Thanks for the effort here, Ash. I look forward to seeing fedback from your blogging group members and will comment after that.
ReplyDeleteHi Ash,
ReplyDeleteI like how you have written your letter. The content is very interesting and the flow is good! What stood out was how your interest in Engineering stemmed from your childhood days.
However, I felt you can improve on certain sentence structures. For example, "Studying how to enhance the way of life on earth, while living sustainably. " To me it felt like the beginning of the sentence felt a bit off and incomplete. You could possibly change it to "An example is studying on ways to enhance the way of life on earth, while living sustainably".
Another example is "...I am aware that I tend to speak too quickly when articulating my thoughts. Resulting in a slurred string of words". Perhaps you can join these 2 sentences to form one sentence.
All the best for your studies in this trimester!
Regards,
Si Ting
Hi Si Ting,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to read my letter. I appreciate your kind words and constructive feedback!
I will make the adjustments accordingly and come up with a revised version of my letter soon.
Warmest regards,
Ash
Dear Ash,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sharing in this detailed and informative letter. We readers learn quite a bit about you, both in terms of what you choose to share with us and the way that you do that. I'm happy to know that you even seem to feel comfortable enough to even mention some of your family's hereditary conditions and how you will 'break the pattern.' I also enjoy finding out about the influence that your grandmother had on you.
There are a few language issues that you need to address to make this a more impactful effort:
1. word forms/phrasing
-- my childhood days where I would prefer ... > (word choice) my childhood days when I would prefer
-- how to combine engineering and environmentalist > (parallel?)
2. sentence structure (as mentioned by Si Ting)
-- Studying how to enhance the way of life on earth, while living sustainably. >. (fragment)
-- Resulting in a slurred string of words. > (fragment)
-- Actively exercising and educating myself to ensure that I will be healthier for my future. > (fragment) ?
3. caps > see https://wmich.edu/writing/rules/capitalization
I look forward to learning more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Professor Blackstone,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to read my letter.
I have made the language adjustments as follows.
Firstly, I have corrected the word forms/phrasing error and replaced "environmentalist" with "sustainability".
Secondly, I realised that I tend to have a habit of breaking up my sentences which result in the fragmented errors. Thank you for pointing those sentences out, I have made the necessary corrections by using conjunction words to combine the phrases.
Lastly, I have viewed the article in the link that you have provided and changed several words that I feel may have issues with their capitalization.
I hope that I have successfully emended the issues with my original letter and come up with an even better version of it. Do let me know if there are still any issues to be raised up.
I look forward to learning from you this trimester!
Warmest regards,
Ash
Thanks a million, Ash!
Delete